Looking back

The story is a famous one in scripture.

The Israelites, enslaved for years, are led away from Egypt by Moses (and God, of course). They head out into the unknown. After a while, they become tired of the manna (bread) that God is providing. They begin to murmur (a great all-purpose word). They even decide that they were better off back with the known trouble of enslavement rather than the unknown of walking the path toward what is known as the "promised land."

They couldn't help look backward.

Let's see. Slavery versus freedom; cucumbers versus bread; known versus unknown.

They wanted to go back.

I preached about this a few weeks back, as part of a series called God's story. I've talked about it in the past. I know what a danger it is to do this.

And I fall victim to it all the dang time.

The truth is the past few days, since a mentor of mine died, I've been looking backward. Thoughts about what I once was have fought a real battle against who I am now. Thoughts about Jackson versus New Orleans versus Eunice have bounced about in my brain like so many tennis balls.

All of "them" stayed for the most part. I left. Always it was me who left.

And now I'm not one of "them."

And I wonder.
And ponder.
And fret.

What would life have been like if I had stayed, in any of the places I left?

The fact is I was enslaved when I lived there, every bit as much as the Israelites. I was a different, very different person when I was there. There's a real possibility they wouldn't truly know me now even as there was a very real possibility they didn't know me then.

And yet...

I wonder.
And ponder.
And fret.

If you don't know, you might wonder how the whole going back thing worked out for the Israelites.

For those keeping score, it can be found in chapter 16 of Exodus, beginning with the 11th verse. "I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites," the Lord said to Moses. "At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God."

Here's what I think. Every decision I've made, good and bad, God has turned to good. Every choice I've made, good and bad, has been taken by God to make something He can use for his purposes. That's his will.

It certainly doesn't mean everything has gone well, and it doesn't mean every decision has been led by God because I can certainly tell you I've made some blunders. And you always remember the blunders, the choices you wished you had prayed about and thought about a bit longer

But as an example I offer the 10 months I spent in Reno, Nev. It was an awful, lonely time I would never want to repeat. I left everything I knew, including all those deep, long friendships, because of ego. Ten months after the choice, I crawled back to Jackson, Miss., taking a news position at the Jackson newspaper after spending all my life in sports, and was mostly accepted back.

More importantly, I met Mary, my wife of 29 years.

If I had stayed, I wouldn't have been in news and I most probably wouldn't have met Mary and .... you get the idea.

The answer is I'm trying to let God lead in all instances. If I can do that, surrendering direction and will to him, my choices will always be right.

Therefore, looking back is challenging his will. I'm trying.

Even as I wonder,
ponder,
fret.